Two people deciding to create a life together today face some new challenges that their parents did not encounter. Nowadays, with the fall in religious practice, a vacuum in social values and economies no longer dependent on ‘family’ trade, couples have little help or guidance in addressing what comes up between them or how to work with the inevitable conflicts that arise. Indeed, the traditional reasons for marriage – religious dogma, social pressure (don’t be left on the shelf!), having children and maintaining a family business are largely gone. A high percentage of women are now choosing not to marry and have children and there are many couples who, though they decide to marry, do not see it lasting beyond seven to ten years.
Read moreDifferent Gender Orientations are about Belonging
We are not born homosexual, heterosexual, transsexual, etc; no, we are born sexual. In the same way we are not born carnivores, vegans, vegetarians; no, we are born with an appetite. Sexuality not only ensures the survival of the human species, it also is the most powerful way to attract a member of the same or opposite gender. Whilst both heterosexuality and homosexuality involve sexual pleasuring between two males or two females or a male and female, its presence is principally about finding a total relationship with the same or opposite gender person. We all know in heterosexual relationships (can we please drop the word ‘straight’) that whilst sexual attraction is what can initiate the relationship, it is love, friendship, companionship, shared ideas, creativity, interest in each other’s lives that determines the endurance of the relationship. Ultimately, what is most likely to determine the longevity of a relationship – of whatever adult nature – (can we also please resist using the denigrating term LGBT – lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual) – is the degree that each party to the relationship comes into consciousness of his or her own wholeness and that of his or her partner.
Read moreDoesn’t Anybody Ask the Obvious Question on Bullying?
What I typically find when examining the literature on bullying are lists of signs to look out for in children and teenagers who are being bullied. These signs are important indicators for those at the receiving end of bullying. However, what I don’t come across are lists of signs to look out for so as to identify those young people and, indeed, older people, who engage in the multiple ways one can bully nowadays. Surely, the sooner these signs are spotted by parents, teachers, workplace managers, the more likely it is to ‘nip in the bud’ the bullying behaviour. In identifying bullying behaviour, here are some of the signs to watch for:
Read morePlease Hear What I’m Not Saying
The greatest gift you can give to another is an unconditional acceptance of his or her unique presence. Another wonderful gift that brings hope is to hear what a person is not saying or what a person is not doing. The reality is that we all wear masks – masks that hide the truth of our individuality and of the deep hurts that we have experienced. The number of masks that we create depends on the frequency, duration, and intensity of the hurts experienced. Masks are defensive creations against having to re-experience the traumas of emotional abandonment, sexual violation, of ‘not being good enough’, ‘of having to prove myself all of the time’, of living under a tyranny of ‘shoulds’, ‘have tos’, of ‘having to do everything perfectly.’
Read moreRelationships are Hard Work
Experts frequently say and everyone goes along with it that relationships are hard work. That is certainly true when two people who are insecure, fearful, defensive come into contact. However, even though it appears that it is the relationship between a couple – and all relationships are couple relationships – whether that be lover with lover, parent with child, employer with employee, teacher with student – is what is hard work but the harder work within each individual is what needs to be done. The reality is that the difficulties in relationships mirror more serious emotional issues within each person and unless that inner turmoil is addressed the relationship will continue to be troubled. Whenever you find yourself working hard to resolve anything in your relationships – meanness, hostility, rigidity, irritation, disagreements, aggression, passivity – your work would be better placed within. When you work at resolving the conflict between you, you won’t be relating, you will be negotiating. What needs to be realised is that relationships that are not hard work exist in the experience of wholeness within. When you are at peace with yourself you are at peace with another; when you belong to self you bring that belonging to another, when you inhabit your own individuality you embrace the individuality of another; when you experience a deep inner solidity you don’t have to look for, demand or negotiate change in the other person. Relationships are best held by each person taking responsibility for self and his or her own actions. Once individuals commit to deepening their consciousness of their own unique being; their wholeness, their innate goodness, their power beyond measure to be responsible for their own lives, their individuality, relationships automatically improve, because they are sending new energy along the invisible strand that connects us all – unconditional love.
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