One of the biggest challenges that faces us as adults is to own the fact that no matter what we say we are always talking about ourselves. For unconscious reasons this is a bitter pill to swallow as we’ll see.

We tend to illusorily believe two things; one, that what I say is about the other and, two, that what the other says is about me. For example, I say ‘you’re always late’ I think what I’m saying is about the other person’s tardiness. But ask yourself the question: how come I’m making that statement and why am I not saying what I’m really feeling – ‘I’m really feeling angry and frustrated at having to wait around every time you’re late.’ And, furthermore, what is it that underlies your waiting? Is it not the case that you are being late in the caring of yourself and the setting of a boundary around the agreed meeting time and your being on time in the meeting of your commitment to yourself? As long as you believe that your statement ‘you’re always  late’ is about the other, then you are waiting for him or her to change and to take responsibility for the neglect that you perpetrate on yourself by waiting beyond the agreed time.

Confucius, the Chinese sage, over two and a half thousand years ago said:

                  “To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order;

                  To put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order;

                  To put the family in order, we must cultivate our personal life; we must first    

                  set our hearts right.”

What do we need to do to put our hearts right? And how is it that we live out from heartless places and not try to become heartful? Confucius, in spite of the apparent wisdom in the above quote, does not appear to have had a consciousness that when we are in heartless places we are wisely where we need to be. His proscriptive use of the word ‘must’ indicates an authoritarian attitude – that people ‘must’ be told what to do in order for them to put their hearts right!

The word ‘listen’ is an anagram for the word ‘silent’.  Silence is fundamental to effective listening; there needs to be stillness in your heart and mind when you listen to another.  In the words of the late and beloved John O’Donohue “Listening is an act of worship.”  When we listen to another we need to be attentive not only with our heart and head, but also with our ears, eyes and touch.  Lack of eye contact, fleeting eye contact, whispering or tentative or aggressive tone of voice, stiff or limp response to an outstretched hand, depressed or anxious facial expression, skin pallor, uptight standing or sitting posture, shortness or sudden intake of breath add considerable impact to the words a person speaks.

Sometime last year I was invited to give a presentation to HSE mental health professionals and their clients. I have no doubt that the HSE’s intention was for me to motivate their clients to take more responsibility for their lives and to develop a greater level of self-reliance. When I stood up to talk I started with the sentence ‘Everybody in this room is self-reliant, always finds a way to take care of themselves and no one is weak by nature.’ I can’t say what was the immediate actual response of each professional and each client in the audience but from people’s facial expressions I noted that some people appeared certainly surprised, others confused and others looked to be thinking ‘he’s off the wall.’ However, as I elaborated my theme I could see people beginning not only to understand but to have compassion for individuals who present to the mental health services with anxiety, depression, addictions to substances, process addictions (for example, to work, to success, to being right, to perfectionism), obsessive-compulsive behaviours, hallucinations, paranoia, violence and passivity.