In last week’s column I wrote about five of the ten personal truths that have and continue to influence my living. The remaining truths to be considered this week are:

• What another feels, thinks, says and does is 100 per cent about him or her!
• Communication is about getting through to myself, not through to another.
• Individuals who are troubled and troubling are not out to make life difficult for others but are unconsciously trying to show how difficult life is for them.
• A life examined is a life lived.
• There is no greater wisdom than human kindness.

People are frequently surprised by the sixth truth. Typically, the current notion on communication is that it is about getting through to another. However, I regard this as control and, indeed, in attempting to convince the other you are using him or her as a substitute for yourself. Of course, as with much of human behaviour, it is a clever unconscious means of reducing emotional and social threats by placing the responsibility for accepting and understanding what you are saying on the shoulders of the person you are talking to or at. When I talk at somebody I preach to the other and want them to follow my values, ways and beliefs, rather than following them myself and allowing the other person to live their own lives. Somehow, when I preach I need to be ‘right’ and any difference is perceived as a threat. The indicators too are that I am not still convinced of what I am preaching. When I talk to another I tell them what to feel, think, say and do and woe betide if they dare go against or not follow through on my advice-giving. However, the word ad-vice implies it is unwise – a vice – to give counsel to another, even when they request it. In any case, all I can do is talk about my own experiences. In speaking to others the focus is on the ‘you’; in speaking with others the source is the ‘I’. In preaching or advising, what we say to others is often what we need to be saying and doing for ourselves. Mature communication is creating a shared space where the other person comes to their own decisions on the issues being discussed. It is for each of us to understand communication as about getting through to self, discovering our own truths and convictions and allowing others to get through to themselves.  When communication comes from within, from the ‘I’ place, then it flows between people.