Compassion is an emotion that arises in response to understanding that the difficult behaviours of either employees or managers are not consciously deliberate in their neglect of others but are unconsciously designed to bring attention to the individual’s inner turmoil. Is it a bridge too far to ask an employee who has been relentlessly bullied by a manager to have a compassionate understanding of the manager’s unconscious plight? Such a situation is only possible when individuals who have been bullied first of all develop a compassionate understanding of their own emotional pain and the passivity that has unconsciously prevented the emergence of an assertiveness that would have challenged the bullying behaviour when it first presented. There are two very separate issues that require consideration here – one, the plight of those who are at the receiving end of bullying and, two, the plight of those who owing to their inner securities resort to bullying to reduce perceived threats to their wellbeing. There is a further consideration – that compassionate understanding is suggesting that individuals who bully or who are passive are responsible to their defensive responses but they are not responsible for their actions. The ‘to’ and ‘for’ distinction is important because when others insist you are ‘responsible for’ your actions, they are judging that you are deliberately being neglectful, whereas when others assert the need for you to take ‘responsibility to’ your actions, I know that your bullying arises from a place of hurt within yourself; in this way they are compassionate, non-judgemental but still assert the need for you to take responsibility to the neglect perpetrated.
Read moreMen on Top!!
What has been evident since the economic crash that it was men who peopled the ‘top’ positions in the banks, financial institutions and property development companies. Men at the top are also a feature of the front bench (and the back benches) of the present government and of the oppositional parties. Of course, this phenomenon of male predominance is blaringly apparent in the Catholic Church. What is now clear that these male leaders have not done a good job - cover ups, arrogance, superiority, avarice, greed, recklessness, unethical practices, depersonalisation of staff members and clients, bullying, addiction to success, profits before people, unrelenting pressures to meet unrealistic targets are just some of the behaviours that were and are still being exhibited. It was inevitable that capitalism without heart, without regard for people and that made the rich richer and the poor poorer was going to fail; the problem was that those few mature voices that predicted the crash were aggressively ignored.
Read moreThe Power of Vulnerability
I hesitate to use the word ‘vulnerability’ because it is generally associated with weakness and helplessness. Nevertheless, some individuals describe themselves as ‘ vulnerable’ most probably knowing that others will perceive them as weak, dependent and not able to stand on their own two feet. However, there is a wonderful wisdom and strength to this unconscious strategy – making it far from being weak – in that it powerfully places the responsibility on others to ‘look after’ the person. As creative, ingenious and unique human beings I believe that we are never weak, but in the face of threats to our wellbeing, we unconsciously form protective strategies to reduce or offset threats to our wellbeing. It is important to understand that these protectors are formed unconsciously and it is at some later stage when we encounter the emotional, social and intellectual safety to be real and authentic that we will allow such knowledge to rise to consciousness, make new choices and take alternative and progressive actions.
Read moreThe Meaning of Illness
Over the last thirty years practising as a clinical psychologist I have been privileged to help many individuals who were in deep inner turmoil, but there were many who also presented with mild to severe physical illnesses. Some of the illnesses presented were back pain, migraine headaches, asthma, eczema, Chron’s disease, irritable bowel syndrome, colitis, heart disease, ME, MS, MN, cancer, brain tumour – indeed, all of the most prevalent illnesses. Naturally, these individuals were receiving medical intervention and that is how it needs to be. However, there is an embarrassing source of riches to show that illnesses are more than purely biological realities and that an effective response requires a serious consideration of the psycho-social contents of the persons who suffer illness. Medicine has developed some amazing technological and chemical treatments for particular illnesses and continues to pursue rigorously the causes of illness, particularly the two current greatest killers – heart disease and cancer. However, in spite of the recognition within medicine of the psychosomatic and psychophysiological nature of most illnesses, the medical practice continues to focus on ‘cures’ and detecting causes. This essentially biological approach – whilst praiseworthy in its efforts – fails to consider that a particular illness may have an individual meaning for the person who is ill. A recurring political reality is the never-ending crises in our health services and the challenge to provide an effective and efficient service for what appears to be a relentless escalation in the demands for medical services. It is a worrying reality that in spite of the wonderful medical achievements that the rate of illness has not even been reduced by one per cent!
Read moreMore Truths to Live By
In last week’s column I wrote about five of the ten personal truths that have and continue to influence my living. The remaining truths to be considered this week are:
- What another feels, thinks, says and does is 100 per cent about him or her!
- Communication is about getting through to myself, not through to another.
- Individuals who are troubled and troubling are not out to make life difficult for others but are unconsciously trying to show how difficult life is for them.
- A life examined is a life lived.
- There is no greater wisdom than human kindness.
People are frequently surprised by the sixth truth. Typically, the current notion on communication is that it is about getting through to another. However, I regard this as control and, indeed, in attempting to convince the other you are using him or her as a substitute for yourself. Of course, as with much of human behaviour, it is a clever unconscious means of reducing emotional and social threats by placing the responsibility for accepting and understanding what you are saying on the shoulders of the person you are talking to or at. When I talk at somebody I preach to the other and want them to follow my values, ways and beliefs, rather than following them myself and allowing the other person to live their own lives. Somehow, when I preach I need to be ‘right’ and any difference is perceived as a threat. The indicators too are that I am not still convinced of what I am preaching. When I talk to another I tell them what to feel, think, say and do and woe betide if they dare go against or not follow through on my advice-giving. However, the word ad-vice implies it is unwise – a vice – to give counsel to another, even when they request it. In any case, all I can do is talk about my own experiences. In speaking to others the focus is on the ‘you’; in speaking with others the source is the ‘I’. In preaching or advising, what we say to others is often what we need to be saying and doing for ourselves. Mature communication is creating a shared space where the other person comes to their own decisions on the issues being discussed. It is for each of us to understand communication as about getting through to self, discovering our own truths and convictions and allowing others to get through to themselves. When communication comes from within, from the ‘I’ place, then it flows between people.
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